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The Cucumber, Pickle and Penis

January 27th, 2010 H Posted in Adult & Sex Jokes, Business, General Thoughts | No Comments »

Current Mood:Esctatic emoticon Esctatic & Surprised emoticon Surprised

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, “Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad.”

The pickle looks at him and says, “You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar.”

The penis looks at him and says, “You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!.”

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Mistaken Identity

January 26th, 2010 H Posted in Adult & Sex Jokes | No Comments »

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think your the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

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Our First

January 26th, 2010 H Posted in Sex Stories | No Comments »

Current Mood:Flirtatious emoticon Flirtatious

My wife and i were eating dinner at a good friends house one night when the weather had started to get a little messy. It was January in New York so when i say a little messy what i really mean is lots of snow and very bad roads. While we were eating a young women about 25 walked in to the house and started saying how bad the weather was, she commented that she lived way up on a hill and did not dare to travel home. Our friends decided that she could stay with them so she sat down and joined us. However I could not help but notice how attractive she was in the tight top and even tighter jeans that she had on. She was introduced to us Kim. As we ate dinner everyone started commenting that there was really not enough room for her to stay with them.So i took the intiative and invited her back to our house for the night. It was around 9:30 when we decided to leave and go back to our place.

We started to visit and have a few drinks at or kichen table. When Kim had stated that she was bi and had been with our friends sister. My wife Dana at one point told me she was bi curious and very interested in the woman but had never been open about it with anyone. Dana was curious about this so we got into a very detailed discussion. Before we knew it was 11:00 and we all had to work the next day.

Kim had asked if she could use our shower before bed and of course we said yes. Let me tell you though she had the nicest set of tits(other than my wifes)i had ever seen! She also had an ass that i just wanted to grab a hold of. She finished her shower and then it was my wifes turn. As she took a shower the other woman and i talked about how bad the weather was. A few moments later my wife came out of the shower wearing nothing but a robe. I proceeded to head for the shower leaving the two women to talk to each other. I dont know what they had talked about while i was in the shower but when I was done I walked in to my livingroom to see Kim between my wifes legs licking away. I was shocked because my wife was never open about being bi-curious. My wife turned to me and asked me if I wanted to join. To be honest I could not come up with any other response other then walking in to my bed room and asking them to follow.

As we got into our bedroom Kim started to seductively undress Dana. She started to kiss Dana’s Large 38D tits and move slowly down her body sucking and kissing every inch of her body. Dana moaned with pleasure as Kim reached her sweet pussy. Kim licked and kissed hard as Dana moaned and pushed her hips up in to Kims face as she started to reach climax. All while I sat in the corner watching and waiting for it to be my turn to take on both of these hot and horney women. I watched as Dana took control and flipped Kim over on her back. Dana put her lips up to Kim’s and started to tounge her mouth as she rubbed her hands all over Kim’s body stopping for a minute to caress her supple breasts. Dana slowly made her way down to Kims wet swollen slit. Kim moaned uncontrolably as Dana licked and sucked pussy for the very first time. As I sat in the corner and watched all of this unfold my cock felt like it was going to explode. I waited patiently as my wife enjoyed the very same hot pussy I would soon taste for myself.

As Dana was finishing laping up the sweet hot cum that Kim had generously let seap out of her swollen pussy, I was motioned over to join them. Before I knew it I was being devoured by these two beautiful women. They both had a hold of my rock hard cock and began to lick and suck it together. As they took turns shoving it down their throats I tried to hold back and prevent myself from cumming but the sensation was just too great. With a joyous moan I blew my wad right into Kims mouth as my wife watched. I looked at her and all I saw was a smile. She was thrilled to watch Kim suck every last drop of cum from my cock. At that moment I reached down and started to seperate Dana’s soft swollen pink lips with my finger as Kim slowly sat on her face. Dana startled by surprise quickly regained her control and began to suck and nibble Kim’s pussy so agressively that it brought Kim to an instant orgasm, she shot cum all over my wifes face. This only made Dana cum even more. I was slowly fucking Dana with my fingers and licking her sweet pussy as she wiggled with excitment. I reached up to rub Kims nice perky tits as she let out a little moan and came all over agian. At this point my cock was so hard it ached with intense pleasure, I still was not sure that this was really happening. I was licking and fucking Dana untill she shot cum practicly across the room, as Kim saw this it must have turned her on even more because she turned to the two of us and said “I really need to fuck, Fuck me now”! She then got on her knees over my wife and started to get Dana’s pussy. She agian screamed “Fuck me, fuck me now”, I rubbed my hard cock on her wet hard clit a few times as she let out a very exciting moan and guided it insde of her very tight, hot pussy. She screamed and moaned as she came quite quickly, Dana was screaming and cumming right along with her the two enjoying so much pleasure together made it really hard for me to prevent blowing my wad again but I knew I had to stop or it would be over.

I slowed down almost to a stop while Dana ate a little more pussy. Kim was shaking and moaning almost nonstop by now and i knew that just a few more strokes would push her over the edge. I without pacing myself went full force right into her soft wet pussy just two more times and she exploded like a rocket, she then turned around and licked every last drop of cum off my still rock hard cock. Kim turned to Dana and asked if she wanted a taste and she of course did and as they both approached me I knew that it would not be long before I shot agian. As both women were sucking and licking my cock agian I decided that it was my turn to take control of the sex fest and gently laid Dana on her back. Kim then laid on her belly and started to rub Dana’s clit as i started to insert my cock, this was such a hot feeling because I had never had help like this before. Dana was screaming “Fuck me, Fuck me, fuck me”! The harder I fucked my cock into her the harder Kim licked and sucked. Dana was cumming so much that I could see a puddle forming beneth us. I had never seen her cum so many times in a row, this made me even harder. The thought that a women made my wife so turned on made me even more turned on. As I fucked harder Dana ramed her hips into my groin over and over, I knew this was it so I ramed her a little more untill I blew my wad right into her tight little pussy. Kim was right there to clean us up and to my suprise as she was licking Dana’s pussy I became hard agian, really hard! The girls decided that it was time for a break, and as disapointed as I was I knew that this was a good idea.

The three of us laid on our bed tangled in each others arms, as I thought about what a lucky guy I was. To my surprise our break ended very quickly when Dana decided that she had not had enough sweet pussy. She crawled down to caress and taste Kim’s hot juices, as she did this I sat back and watched what I realized now was going to be the start of a really good thing. Dana licked pussy like she had been doing it always, she was so damn good at. She had Kim squirming and cumming. Kim was moaning and screaming uncontrolably by now begging for Dana to stop. Dana just kept on licking and sucking moaning herself inbetween actions. After both girls had came atleast two or three times I got up from my perch on the bed and approached Dana asking “Can I have some of that” she graciously replied ” yes you may”. I licked and fucked Kims tight little hole with my tounge untill she begged for my massively hard cock. All the time I was down there the women were caressing and fondling each other which made them even hotter. I moved up to kiss Kim’s navel and slowly lick my way up to her erect nipples where I met Dana’s soft wet lips. I stayed there kissing my wife and then kissing Kim. I agian started to rub my cock up and down Kim’s extremely wet pussy flicking her clit a few times before sticking it in. I started real slow while watching these two driven women make out in front of me. I knew at this point that I had to fuck ths horney, sexy women laying in front of me. I fucked her harder and harder untill CRASH, The fucking bed broke! We were all laying there slanted but the funny thing was that the only thing any one could say was “don’t stop, don’t stop”! So I didn’t, I continued on fucking Kim as she and Dana sucked on each others rock hard nipples and moaned with excitment. As I shot my load right in to Kim’s sweet pussy I glanced at my wife. All she could say ” Honey I hope you liked it because it will not be a one time thing”.

We all laid there tangled agian, as we all looked at the clock and realized it was 6 am and we had to get up and get ready for work. So the girls took a shower together and left me to ponder my thoughts. All I could think was, How much I could not wait for the next one!

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Easy to Follow Instructions for Condom Use

January 23rd, 2010 Amy Posted in News | No Comments »

If you are looking for a simple guide about how to put on a condom then follow the 15 simple steps below:

1.Erection

It seems like an obvious thing but you need to have an erect penis before you attempt to put on the condom. Roll the condom down the erect penis before any anal, oral or vaginal contact is made.

2.Damage

Before you put the condom onto the penis ensure that the foil wrapping which contains the condom is not ripped nor has signs of any wear and tear. For example, if the foil feels slippery this is an indication that a (lubricated) condom has lost some of its lubrication due to damaged packaging. Do not use a damaged condom as the likelihood is that it won’t be effective.

3.Expiry date

All condoms have an expiry date. Make sure you check the date before using a condom. For your own safety do not use a condom that has passed its expiry date.

4.Tear open

When opening the condom foil use your hands to tear open the airtight packaging in the middle or at the notch. Be careful not to rip the condom with nails or any sharp objects. Do not use your teeth to open the packaging with – this is just asking for trouble.

5.Right way up

Ensure that the part of the condom that unravels is on the outside before placing onto the penis to make sure that you have it on the correct way round.

6.Be gentle

Softly draw back the foreskin of the erect penis.

7.Squeeze

In order to clear space for the semen after ejaculation squeeze the tip of the condom between the thumb and the forefinger to expel any air from this area.

8.Unrolling

Hold the tip of the condom between your thumb and forefinger and use the other hand to roll the condom down the shaft of the penis. If you accidently put the condom on the wrong way round and it won’t unroll you will need to throw the condom away as the clear pre-ejaculation fluid on the end of the penis contains sperm that can carry sexually transmitted infections. Once a condom has touched the penis it cannot safely be turned over and used the correct way round.

9.Lubricant (if needed)

If you require some extra lubrication make sure that it is water based if your condom is made of latex. Oil based lubricants damage latex condoms.

10.Intercourse

During intercourse it is advisable to always change a condom if you are moving from anal to any other form of intercourse.

11.Ejaculation

After ejaculation has taken place hold the rim of the condom to the base of the penis and withdraw. The semen should remain inside the condom.

12.Shrinkage

Make sure that you withdraw the penis from the condom whilst still erect as if it allowed to return to a flaccid state the seal of the condom to the penis will fail.

13.Remember to tie a knot

As soon as the penis is withdrawn from the condom tie a knot in the end to prevent leakage. Remember a condom should only be used once.

14.Disposal

Once you have finished with the condom, dispose of it in a rubbish bin. Do not place down the toilet as it will pollute the system.

15.Wash your hands

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Anal Sex and the Importance of Anal Lubricants

January 23rd, 2010 Amy Posted in Lubricants, Sex Toys | No Comments »

When it comes to anal sex it does not matter how experienced you are, anal lubricants are essential because the anus and rectum do not naturally provide their own lubrication therefore anal intercourse without an anal lubricant would be a particularly painful experience. Anal lubes help the participant to have more enjoyable anal sex.

Can anyone participate in anal sex?

A popular misconception surrounding anal sex is that it is solely the pursuit for gay men. This is not true. Many straight couple also take pleasure in anal intercourse. Water-based anal lubricants and good quality condoms help to ease the penis into the anal passage more comfortably. However, it is imperative that anal sex is taken slowly as the lining of the rectum is fragile and can easily be damaged by energetic thrusting. This is especially the case if the ‘receiving’ partner is not completely relaxed. Whatever the sexuality of the couple, before engaging in anal sex it is important to make sure that your partner is completely happy with it. If one partner doesn’t take pleasure from anal sex, it is best to stick to sex that both parties are happy with.

Are there different kinds of anal lubricants available?

Anal lubricants are not just available in the form of gels; coming either lightly scented or odourless, anal lubricants are also available in a range of sprays and creams. Anal lubes differ from everyday sexual lubricants are they are specifically designed to be used with condoms, and aim to relax the muscles around the anal area without losing any sexual sensations therefore allowing for easier penetration. Anal lubricants are now designed with the needs of men and women in mind, and can also be employed with the use anal sex toys.

Why use a condom for anal sex?

It is advisable to always use a condom when participating in anal sex. Not only does this significantly reduce the likelihood of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, or STI, but it also reduces the risk of pregnancy. A woman can still get pregnant from anal intercourse although the risk of this is lower than from vaginal sex. If a condom is not used, semen could easily seep out of the anus and into the vaginal passage.

The most important thing to remember where pleasurable anal sex is concerned is choosing a good quality anal lubricant.

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Get Satisfaction From Your Sexual Experience With Sex Toys

January 20th, 2010 H Posted in Articles, Sex Toys | No Comments »

All around the world, there will always be a handful of couples that have been left unsatisfied by their sexual partners. Others may also say that the occasional use of some sexy lingerie is no longer enough to ensure that their sex doesn’t get boring. The general consensus that regular love making is becoming dull has made sex toys such a valuable addition to a couple’s sex life.

So how does the use of sex toys like dildos or vibrators enhance someone’s sexual experience? As a relationship continues to progress, there is a tendency for the couple’s sex life to become boring because foreplay becomes more and more neglected. Essentially, some couple’s have chosen to press the fast-forward button of the sex, skipping the excitement that foreplay produces and diving to intercourse right away. The addition of sex toys to the sexual experience gifts the couple with the ‘spice’ and passion that they may be losing.

Sex toys generally provide more playfulness and pleasure to the entire sexual experience. For example, the simple use of a vibrator can make sex more enjoyable for the woman as it prepares her for actual intercourse. The simple knowledge that you are pleasuring your partner is also something that a man will enjoy. When a couple uses sex toys together, it also has a tendency to make intercourse more intimate and thus helping the couple grow closer in other aspects of their relationship.

Sex dolls, vibrators, dildos and any other kind of sex toy imaginable were all made for the sole purpose of heightening pleasure and giving the user a greater orgasmic experience than that of regular masturbation. So, if you’re looking for a way to add more spice to your sexual life, taking a trip to the sex store such as http://www.temptationsdirect.co.uk should be on your agenda.

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Care Instructions: How To Be Safe When Using Sex Toys

January 13th, 2010 H Posted in Adult & Sex Jokes, Sex Toys | No Comments »

Current Mood:Flirtatious emoticon Flirtatious

Let’s say you’ve just made a quick visit to your favorite sex shop. You’ve taken the time to carefully consider the many different options of vibrators, dildos and anal toys that the store has to offer. Understandably, the first thing you may want to do when you open your brand new sex toy is to put it to good use. However, before you take the plunge into sexual bliss, there are a few things you need to know about caring for your sex toys.

First things first, before you actually start using your new sex toy, take a few moments to inspect it just to make sure that there aren’t any flaws in the production of the item. It is often an individual’s best bet to purchase the sex toys made out of silicone or other safe materials like food-grade vinyl or stainless steel. If you’re unsure about the sex toy, it’s always a good idea to have a condom handy to use on the dildo, vibrator or anal sex toy. Make sure you also read any information online such as the ones you can see on http://www.temptationsdirect.co.uk.

Although no sex toy will last forever, keeping your dildos, anal sex toys and vibrators clean will ensure that you maximize the life of your toys. Make sure you use a sex toy cleaner or mild soap and hot water to make certain that the toy has no bacteria or harmful dirt on it before and after use. Because the sex toys are meant to be used on the most intimate parts of the human anatomy, it is absolutely important to ensure that the sex toys are clean before any use.

To prolong the life of your sex toy also means finding a proper and safe storage area for the items. Before putting the sex toys away, make sure that they have been dried thoroughly to prevent any growth of substances such as mildew. Also be sure to keep your dildos or other sex toys in a dry place with nice cool temperatures to avoid any discoloration.

Sex toys are instrumental in an enhanced sexual experience whether you use them in foreplay or throughout the whole love making process. Keeping them clean and storing them well is easy when you’ve got the basics of sex toy care down and keeps you carefree when using your toys.

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12 Days of Christmas Replies

December 8th, 2009 H Posted in News | No Comments »

Current Mood:Esctatic emoticon Esctatic

December 14, 2008
My dearest darling Steve:Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,

Nicola


December 15, 2008
Dearest Steve:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,

Nicola


December 16, 2008
Dear Steve:
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.
All my love,

Nicola


December 17, 2008
Dear Steve:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,

Nicola


December 18, 2008
Dearest Steve:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,

Nicola


December 19, 2008
Dear Steve:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,

Nicola


December 20, 2008
Steve:
What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,

Nicola


December 21, 2008
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.
There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Nicola

December 22, 2008
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours !

Nicola


December 23, 2008
You rotten prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m calling the police on you !

Nicola


December 24, 2008
Listen Fuckhead:
What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,

Nicola


December 25, 2008
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Nicola McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

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Brightest Star of All

December 8th, 2009 H Posted in Sex Stories | No Comments »

“Shall I help you wash up?” Lucy asked, bringing me the last of the dishes.

“No, it’s OK,” I replied, adding some more washing up liquid to the water in the sink. “Can you go up to my room and fetch the DVD? It’s on top of the shelf with my hi-fi.” I began scrubbing the plates as she left. My housemates had all gone home for the weekend, so Lucy had suggested we have a night in and watch Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon for the nth time, as we both loved that film. I’d already cooked us both a stir fry to get into the Chinese spirit, as it were, and once I’d finished the dishes I got the sake that Lucy had bought (she couldn’t find a Chinese wine, so she thought a Japanese one would have to do) and poured some for each of us while she settled herself on the sofa and flicked through the menu. Turning off the light, I sat down next to her and got ready to enjoy the film.

As I practically knew the film off by heart, for the first few minutes I could just sip my rice wine and let my mind wander, glancing occasionally at Lucy out of the corner of my eye. She was sat very neatly, her legs crossed under her skirt, which had ridden up slightly above her knee, her smooth calves and perfect, fairly small bare feet glowing white from the light of the TV. The warmth of the alcohol suddenly made me feel how close her warm body was to me, only a few inches away. With a smile I remembered the first time I met her, nearly a year ago now.

I’d gone to see Kill Bill Volume 1 for the fifth time, and for the second time I noticed her buying a bag of peanuts at the food counter, but I didn’t think she could be going to see the film again, she looked more like an indie girl to me, and I didn’t think it was the type of film she would be into, so I pushed my idle thoughts of talking to her to the back of my mind and entered the room. The lights were still on, so I could see there was no one else in there, which suited me fine, I could sit in my favourite place, exactly in the middle of the room so that the screen filled my vision when I leant my head back and looked straight in front. But a few minutes later, I heard someone else come in, and looking round I noticed it was the pretty dark haired indie girl, who walked automatically to my row, spotted me and hesitated. She gave a little shrug and walked along the row and sat down in the seat next to me.

“Hi,” she said, sounding a bit shy. “Haven’t I seen you before at a Kill Bill screening?”

“Yeah, probably,” I replied, feeling the heat rise to my face. I was never very good at talking to strangers, even when they didn’t have incredible large brown eyes that seemed to hold my gaze in a vice. “This is the fifth time I’ve seen it.”

“Really? Cool! I’ve seen it three times, I couldn’t persuade any of my friends to see it again with me.” Her shyness seemed to have vanished, and I wished mine would. She held out her hand. “My name’s Lucy, what’s yours?”

“Jack,” I replied, shaking her hand, and we began talking about the film, and Tarantino in general, when the lights went out for the ads to start, and we fell silent. She offered me some peanuts when the second trailer came on, and then from the moment the film started it was fantastic. We both sang along to the Nancy Sinatra song at the beginning, laughed at the same scenes of ridiculous violence and spoke along to the same bits of clever dialogue. Then afterwards we went for a pizza together and talked for another couple of hours about films. Although to begin with I did consider asking her out, but wasn’t confident enough to, then she went out with someone else a week or so after we met. After she broke up with him we were such close friends that I didn’t want to risk souring our relationship by asking her out, as I couldn’t bare the thought of not having her around and the indefinable sense of utter contentment that any conversation with her or even her very presence filled me with.

Anyway, before I got completely lost in my reminiscing, I was distracted by the first really amazing fight sequence and started concentrating on the film. Once that scene was over, Lucy paused it to go to the toilet while I poured some more sake, and when she came back she sat much closer to me, so our bodies were touching. When she put her head on my shoulder I finally mastered myself and put my arm around her, feeling her snuggle nearer, but not saying anything.

We watched the rest of the film like this, my cheeks pressed lightly to her warm silky hair, and when it got to the really romantic scene with Lo telling Jen Lu that he’d found the brightest star of all I felt her hand reach for mine, sending odd shivers through my body. Finally, the film ended and we reluctantly separated and stood up, both our eyes a bit wet from the ending, and neither of us saying anything or holding each other’s gaze for long. Lucy said she’d go upstairs, so I cleared the glasses and empty bottle of sake away and followed.

Entering my room I saw her bent over the desk lighting the last of the candles she’d placed around the room, dancing slightly in time to the Elvis compilation she’d put on, then she turned around and told me to switch the light off, so there was only the warm orange glow from the candles.

“Dance with me,” she said with a smile, holding out her hand, so I took it and we both started twisting and jiving, singing along and laughing good naturedly at each other’s dancing. Lucy changed the CD to the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, and we did our best impression of Uma Thurman and John Travolta before collapsing in a giggling heap by the bed, and began chatting, slightly more manically than usual, our eyes constantly meeting and then one of us would look away a few seconds later.

When the CD finished, Lucy got up again and took a while choosing a new one. As she came back to sit cross-legged in front of me again, I couldn’t help grin as the soothing voice of Nancy Sinatra came from the speakers, and we continued our conversation until the end of the first song. As the second one started though, she seemed to make up her mind about something, and grabbed my hand, looking me straight in the eye.

“Jack, how do you feel about me?” she asked, a note of impatience in her voice. For a moment I just stared, caught off guard, felt my blood rushing to my head, and tried to look away, but couldn’t. I took a deep breath.

“I… love you.” I’d finally said it. And to my delight, none of my paranoid fears came true once I had. Instead Lucy’s eyes widened and she blushed too, a big smile spreading across her face.

“Well I love you Jack! Why didn’t you say before? When – I mean, how long have you been in love with me?”

“I don’t know. Months. Since before you split up with Jason I suppose. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Oh, I don’t know. We’ve both been stupid obviously…”

We paused for a few seconds, but it was a different type to the pauses before, and we kept eye contact, then both leaned forward, a little hesitantly, until our lips met. Lifting the hand that she wasn’t holding, I gently brushed her hair from her cheek and tucked it behind her ear, placing it around her head to pull her closer as our kiss became steadily more passionate. Lucy released my hand and drew me into an embrace, a bit awkwardly as we were both still sat cross-legged facing each other, until she pulled me up and pushed me back to the bed, still kissing me, and we ended up with me underneath her.

Things started to go a little faster than I expected, her hands wandering firmly over my chest, then I felt one slip under my t-shirt, her smooth hand caressing the side of my stomach, so I allowed my hand that wasn’t stroking her hair to push up the back of her sweater and the top beneath to feel her warm bare back. Lucy pushed herself up, kneeling over me, and pulled her top off, so above her waist she was only wearing her bra, her skin gold in the flickering candlelight.

“You’re so beautiful Lucy,” I told her, and she grinned.

Sitting up a bit myself, I wrapped my arms around her and carefully rolled over until she was lying on her back and I kissed her again, running my hands up her arms, following them from the silky underside near her shoulders, past her elbows and eventually to her open palms, our fingers meshing as she closed her hands around mine. By now I had just let my instincts take over, kissing down her neck to her shoulders and the small hollow beneath her windpipe, working my way over her chest until I was kissing the top exposed part of her breasts.

Gently, I pulled my hands out of hers and slipped them under her back, fumbling with the clasp of her bra, and to my surprise managed by pure luck to unfasten it fairly quickly. I knelt up to help remove it and then went down again, my lips finally touching her tits, feeling the soft warm skin against my mouth as I explored it, the faint scent of her body filling my nostrils, while I let my fingertips do the same as my mouth on her other breast. Deliberately, I ignored her tempting pink nipple at first, kissing all the way down to the underside where it met her chest, then I extended my tongue, dragging it slowly up, tasting her skin, and then circling her nipple. As I closed my hand around her other breast, discovering that I’d been right in thinking they were the perfect size to hold, I could feel how she was tensing, her breathing having quickened and glancing up at her face I could see the tips of her white teeth biting her bottom lip in anticipation.

When I finally decided I’d teased her long enough, I licked her round pink nipple, pushing against it with my tongue, feeling it getting stiffer, and then I closed my lips around it and tentatively sucked on it, getting a small squeak and intake of breath from Lucy. I continued like this, sucking and licking her nipple until it was as erect as I could get it, all the while squeezing her other breast rhythmically, enjoying the sensation of her soft flesh in my palm, then I swapped to see to her other nipple.

Once I’d finished there, I cupped both her breasts in my hands and resumed my journey of kisses down over her stomach, right down to the place were her flesh bulged ever so slightly from the waistband of her skirt digging in. Occasionally she’d asked me before if I thought she was fat, but she wasn’t, this small amount of body fat to me made her more beautiful then the skeletal models in magazines, and it was far more arousing to the touch than if it was just skin over bone.

“How do I undo your skirt, Lucy?” I asked.

“There’s a zip at the back,” she replied, a little breathlessly, and reaching around I found it. Now kneeling on the floor between her legs, I pulled her skirt off slowly, discarding it to the side, then began kissing up her hairless legs, starting at her ankles, moving up her calves fairly quickly then slowing down as I reached her thighs. Stroking the inside of her knees with my hands and then up the outside of her legs, I peppered her inner thighs with kisses, working my way very gradually up to her crotch. Once there, I stroked the front of her black knickers, her pubic hair beneath forming a kind of cushion covered by the material, with only a couple of individual curls escaping under the elastic, and a damp patch, while not too visible in the dim light, was perfectly evident to my fingers as they played over where her hole was.

Holding her firmly with both hands around her waist, I pulled her a few inches closer to me so only the very tops of her legs were still on the bed, tucked my fingers under the waistband of her knickers and peeled them off her, then took my t-shirt off. I lowered my head down so her short curly black hair was brushing my face, inhaling the faint but delicious aroma emanating from her pussy, and started to kiss all around her hole, not going too close, but close enough to get some of the juice that was clinging in droplets to her hair on my cheek. My hands slid up to cup her breasts once again as I did this, while she spread her legs wider, trying to encourage me to go further, her breathing quickening again and I traced the edge of her outer lips with the tip of my tongue.

My mouth watering now, I slipped my tongue in the slit between her inner lips, tasting her juices, and licked firmly and steadily up the entire length to circle the hood of skin over her clit which I could see, pink and swollen, but before touching it I did the same movement again, making an appreciative noise to let her know she tasted so good. Carefully, I lightly flicked the tip of my tongue back and forth over her clitoris, getting a loud moan of pleasure from Lucy, so I licked a bit harder, and was soon lapping at it as if it were a delicious lolly, sometimes with an up-down motion, sometimes with circles, then as I got more into it, I did figures of eight and other shapes on it, sucking it a little as I did so. She started thrusting and moving her hips, so I had to release her tits in order to hold her legs back, and I could feel my chin getting soaked from where it touched her opening, which I occasionally licked before she cried out to me to get back to her clit.

After a couple of minutes or so, I decided to try something else, so stopped licking and sucked on my right forefinger, getting it nice and slimy with my spit, and then pushed it ever so gently inside her hot wet vagina. I could feel the warm flesh enveloping it as it entered, pushing it all the way with my knuckles pressed in her damp pubic hair, then withdrawing it, pumping it in and out while I bent down to continue my tongue work. She liked this so much that I decided to attempt it with two fingers, this time just lubricating my middle finger with her juices while still sucking on her clit and inserted it snugly inside her with the other finger.

Stroking her insides like this, I turned my hand palm upwards and noticed that I could feel I kind of bulge, and every time my fingers passed over it, Lucy’s hips would tremble just a little bit more, or she would moan slightly louder. Out of interest, I stopped pumping in and out of her like this, and instead kept my fingers inside her, running them back and forth over the mound, and changing my technique until Lucy gasped, grabbed my hair with both hands and told me to “keep doing that!” So I continued in a steady rhythm, still licking and sucking at her clit, while she moaned louder and wriggled, arching her back and wrapping her legs tight around my bare back, her hands pulling me into her crotch.

I don’t know how long I’d been eating her out, but all of a sudden her whole body tensed, and her breathing became so fast she was almost hyperventilating, and she let out a long loud cry, her hands gripping my hair so hard it hurt. She began thrusting very hard into my face, calling out incoherently and gasping while I continued to lick and finger her, moisture coming so freely from her pussy that I could feel a trickle all down my right arm to my elbow. When she started to become a little less frantic, I started to withdraw my fingers, but she pulled my head even closer so my nose was almost pressed flat against her hairy flesh and she begged me to continue. A minute or so later and she started again, panting and shaking, until she finally let me go and I could pull back for some air.

Standing up, I looked down at her, licking my hand clean, and saw her flushed face smiling serenely up at me from the nest of her messed up shoulder length hair, patches of sweat glistening slightly, while the hair around her pussy was wet and flattened from my saliva and her own juices, leaving a sizable dark patch of damp on my bed clothes. She beckoned me closer, and we kissed once more, her mouth tasting her own juices on mine, until she pushed me on to my back, a glint in her eye.

“Your turn now, darling,” she said, and began kissing down my chest, her fingernails dragging sensuously over my skin where her mouth had gone before. Soon Lucy was kneel between my legs as I had been, undoing my flies and pulling my trousers and boxers off together, releasing my semi-erect cock, and she raised her eyebrows.

“How come you have so little self-confidence, Jack? This is hardly tiny!” I just smiled weakly, grateful for the compliment, but not sure what to say in reply. Luckily, she didn’t wait for one, and began kissing my thighs, letting my cock brush against her forehead or cheek, but otherwise ignoring it

Closing my eyes, I tried to relax, feeling her warm wet lips moving up my legs, her hand carefully lifting up my balls so she could kiss just beneath them, before licking between and around them. One was suddenly surrounded by hot moisture as she took it in her mouth, the tips of her teeth just touching my sensitive skin there while her tongue caressed it. Doing the same to the other, leaving the hair on them slicked back from her saliva, she moved on to the shaft itself, holding it steady by the tip between her thumb and forefinger, licking slowly up its hardening seven inch length, then around its width, always keeping to the foreskin, teasing me.

Finally, she pulled the foreskin back and I felt the tip of her tongue trace the ridge around the edge of the head a few times, then move up to explore the wide smooth surface on top, flicking over the tiny slit a few times. Just as I thought she was going to take me in her mouth though, she slid down to lick the base of my shaft, starting the process all over again, and repeating it until a small bead of precum leaked out of the tip of my penis.

Licking it up and looking straight into my eyes with that intense gaze of hers, she opened her mouth and pushed her head slowly down, her hot damp breath all I could feel for a moment, then the tip reached the back of her tongue and she closed her lips around the shaft. I closed my eyes again as she began to suck, her mouth closing warm and wet around my dick, and she slowly pulled back, letting me slide out through her tightly held lips, and once she only had the smooth end in her mouth, she began swirling her tongue around it, took a short breath and then went down again. Now and again she would bob up and down rapidly, then lick up my shaft before resuming her slow sensual tongue work, and after a few minutes I could feel pressure building in my balls as an orgasm built up.

Lucy seemed to notice though, as she was not entirely inexperienced, and stopped, standing up, and asking me to move. When I did she got on the bed and lay down, not across it this time but lengthwise, with her head on the pillow, her hands on my hips as I remained kneeling, trying to pull me down.

“Look, I don’t have any condoms, Lucy,” I told her, to answer her questioning gaze.

“Oh, that’s OK Jack,” she said, seeming relieved that was all it was. “I trust you haven’t got any funny diseases or you’d have said before, and I’m on the pill so there’s no need to worry about the two of us becoming three or anything. Come on, I want this!”

Reassured, I knelt between her open legs and lowered myself down over her, supported on my elbows, until her hard nipples were almost touching me, and we could feel each other’s breath on our faces. One of her hands left my waist and I felt it hold my still erect cock, pulling it carefully down, the tip tickled by her pubic hair. Then it was brushing her lips, both our breathing quickening in anticipation, then she was holding it, the head just dipped in her wet entrance, her eyes looking up at me, waiting. Slowly, I pushed my hips forward, her hot wet flesh closing around my dick, and Lucy gasped as I moved up inside her until finally my patch of hair covered skin above my crotch was against hers and I could go no further.

We began kissing again as I withdrew and got into a steady rhythm of sliding in and out of her, pressing my body closer to hers to feel her heat against me, but taking care not to squash her, and doing my best to concentrate on our tongues caressing each other so I wouldn’t cum too early. Gradually I began to speed up, Lucy meeting my thrusts with her own, her legs tightening around mine, her arms pulling me closer. Our kissing became harder, the contact between our lips being broken occasionally, Lucy’s moaning becoming clearer by not being muffled by my mouth. Once again I could feel the pressure of a climax building, so I forced myself to slow down to shorter thrusts, and rolled over on to my back, taking Lucy with me.

With her on top and a slight pause, I managed to delay the orgasm for a bit longer, and let Lucy take control. To begin with she just pushed her crotch back and forth, still lying on top of me, then she pushed herself up on to her arms, her hair falling down over her face and her breasts swaying as she began rotating her hips in a circular motion as she pulled herself up and down on me. Pushing herself up further with her hands on my chest she got into a steady rhythm, sliding her vagina up and down on my cock, then I placed my hands on her tits, propping her up even higher, the nipples pressed against the centre of my palms, before she pulled away.

Now she knelt right up over me, my hands resting on her hips as they rose and fell, panting and moaning, her flushed face wearing an expression of concentrated pleasure, her hair plastered messily to it with the sweat that covered her whole heaving body with a glistening sheen in the dim light from the three candles that were still alight. While one hand was holding mine tight, she slipped her other through her curly pussy hair to work on her clit, bringing her moans to a higher pitch. As I listened to her and watched my pale cock get swallowed by the pink hole amidst her black hair, then up her smooth shining stomach, over her shaking breasts to finally meet her half closed eyes, I felt the orgasm I’d been fighting off building up again, and I knew I couldn’t stop it this time.

I started to thrust upwards harder now, and at this Lucy speeded up too, her moans turning to cries and her face contorting with her own climax. Her fingers rubbing her clit frantically, she stopped moving otherwise, as I was now thrusting right up into her, the contracting muscles inside her squeezing me tight with each stroke, a burning sensation in the end of my cock spreading all down it, the familiar haze of ecstasy filling my head, making me groan as well. I slammed up one last time, holding myself inside her, and the tightness of her hot wet pussy twitching around me took me the rest of the way, and I felt my semen pumping itself into her. Lucy seemed to be finishing her orgasm, and fell forwards, kissing me passionately as I emptied myself into her, squeezing her against me, the ejaculation seeming to last for ages, a glow more intense than I’d ever known flooding my whole body.

Finally, the last few spasms subsided, our kissing calmed down until we stopped, and rolled on to our sides, panting, looking at each other with a kind of fond gratitude I’d never had before, and I realised that the music must have stopped sometime ago. And we stayed like this, kissing softly now and again, held in each other’s arms, our sweaty bodies pressed together, my cock slowly softening and shrinking inside her, not saying a thing.

After I had slipped out of her, accompanied by a discharge of cum and pussy juice, which trickled warmly and wetly over both our legs on to the bed, we remained looking at each other in a kind post-orgasmic stupor. Her scent, the feel of her hair in my hand, and her eyes gazing into my mine becoming the only thing in my world, I felt I wanted to melt into her completely forever. Eventually the last candle had burnt out, and in the darkness we drifted off to sleep, the most contented and peaceful sleep I ever had.

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12 Pains of Christmas Lyrics

December 2nd, 2009 H Posted in News | No Comments »

Current Mood:Playful emoticon Playful

The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez!
I’m tryin’ to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
Charities,
And whataya mean “YOUR in-laws”?!?
Five months of bills!
Ach, making out these cards
Honey, get me a beer, huh?
What, we have no extension cords?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Finding parking spaces
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
Donations!
Facing my in-laws Five months of bills!
Writing out those Christmas cards
Hangovers!
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
“Batteries Not Included”
No parking spaces
BUY ME SOMETHIN’!!!
Get a job, ya bum!
Facing my in-laws!
Five months of bills!
Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez, look at this!
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing of Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Stale TV specials
“Batteries Not Included”
No parking spaces
DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!
Charities!
She’s a witch…I hate her!
Five months of bills!
Oh, I don’t even KNOW half these people!
Oh, who’s got the toilet paper, huh?
Get a flashlight…I blew a fuse!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The twelfth thing of Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Singing Christmas carols
Stale TV specials
“Batteries Not Included”
No parking?!?
WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!
Charities!
Gotta make ‘em dinner!
Five months of bills!
I’m not sendin’ them this year, that’s it!
Shut up, you!
FINE! YOU’RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

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